This is a really tough one for me to write. I decided to share my miscarriage story in hopes that having an open and vulnerable heart will show others’ that they can do the same. I know that for many, shame can surround this traumatic experience, which can result in limited discussion with family and friends. Suppressing feelings and emotions only deepens grief, and we want to do our best not to do that. It fucking sucks, it’s a lot of damn work, but it’s work that will pay off in the long run.
My personal track record of holding in grief always surfaces later as debilitating anxiety. So, I have to be accountable myself. Walk that damn walk, just like I hope and encourage you to do. I’ve never really handled death well, partially because I’ve anticipated my father’s ever since I was a little girl (due to life long illness, we’ll talk about that another day), and partially because, well, it’s death.
I want to remind you that however you unravel these feelings is a personal journey, and one that is very much different for everyone. If you don’t feel comfortable verbally discussing it with someone, you can always write about it and share it (aka what I’m doing right now), or even keep it just for yourself until if/when you are ready. But I’ll tell you this much, ever since I shared it with my immediate family I feel comforted and emotionally safe in their love.
For the last 6 months I’ve had baby on the brain. I toyed with the idea of having another baby, despite the concerns Shiloh and I shared with each other. We wanted to be more stable in our careers, move into a bigger home, and have our finances in better shape.
But as months passed and periods came, I started to realize that while those things were important to me, having another baby didn’t have to be contingent on all of those things lining up. The one thing I would ideally like to get better are our finances, but when Bodhi was born we didn’t have anything. Shiloh and I felt like children ourselves, barely able to make our bills, and spending like we didn’t have any. There was no savings account or money stashed between the two of us. But we made it work, and we adapted. It’s truly incredible what someone can accomplish when they have no choice.
So when I was super late getting my period, I knew I was pregnant. I have always had a consistent cycle, and my body could feel the slight changes happening. I was lethargic constantly, and my boobs were tender, just like in my first trimester with Bodhi.
I finally decided to take a pregnancy test after weeks late getting my period, and I saw a very faint, pink line where it would indicate I was pregnant. I thought it was strange, but I just assumed I wasn’t pregnant.
Four more days passed and I finally saw some blood. I was so confused. I wasn’t bleeding like I normally did on my period. It was light red that turned very bright red and I didn’t understand what could have caused me to bleed so late in my cycle.
When I saw my baby sitting in the water of my toilet bowl, I knew. I knew it the second I laid my eyes on it. I had a miscarriage. I was mortified. I was shocked. I was confused. I was scared. I was angry. I was sad. I was so many things.
It’s been an interesting and emotional time for me and Shiloh. We’ve cried, and had hard conversations. Conversations that were painful to have, but that I know we needed to talk about. And we talked about everything. But talking with him has helped me so much. He was going through this with me, and it made me feel safe and protected knowing that I’m walking this journey with him.
One thing we know for sure is that we want another baby. I know another one is in the cards for us, but when the time is right, that little baby will enter our lives. This one wasn’t meant to be, it wasn’t ready to walk this earth, and that’s okay. When we get pregnant again it will be so special for us.
I won’t take for granted what I have in the past. This little angel gave me a new perspective, and I think that was its purpose.
Please know that this was a really hard step for me. But when I sought out reading others’ stories of miscarriage, reading theirs gave me solace. It made me feel like I was in a safe place. I’m here for you if you want to share yours, I’m here with zero judgment and nothing but love.
Here are some useful websites to help you navigate miscarriage: